Commissioned by Kottkrig, for the character Sidney Scapula. This was written in December 2021.
Dalaran. A bustling city of magic now decorated with a variety of spells allowing for a constant, non-obstructive snowfall to bring the city into the season. Lights and wreaths were strung up between, and on, most of the city’s buildings and the number of red and green hats seemed to be doubling every day. Winter’s Veil was just around the corner, and between the city residents preparing for the holiday, and visitors looking to do a bit of special shopping, the inns and bars were overwhelmed.
The Legerdemain Lounge had been completely booked out for weeks now. Anyone arriving without a table reservation was immediately turned away at the door. If the guest was polite, they were provided directions to either A Hero’s Welcome, The Filthy Animal, or The Beer Garden. If they weren’t polite, they were given no help. But if they were particularly foul, the hosts would drop mention of a comparatively recently opened tavern in the Underbelly.
“It would simply be an excellent fit for a person of your caliber, sir,” offered the Gnome at the door with a large and friendly smile. When the Human couple scowled and half-muttered obscenities in her direction, she rolled her eyes.
“Where’d you send them?” Asked her co-worker, a well dressed Dwarf with a thick, red beard.
The Gnome smiled serenely, patting down the menus laid out in front of her,
“Have you ever heard of The Bloated Rat?”
Beneath Dalaran proper, amid the twisting tunnels and sewer passages making up the Underbelly, was The Bloated Rat. It found itself rather at home there, its prior place of operation being the now blight-infested Undercity. It, like the inns and taverns above, was decorated for the season. Festive hats and wreaths hung from the myriad of ‘decorative’ skulls at the ceiling, walls, and jammed into various nooks and crannies.
The skulls were decorative in the same way the cobwebs were decorative. And in the same way the horribly stained floorboards were “part of the charm.” That the decorations themselves were half-crushed, extremely faded, and looked like they might have been fished out of another establishment’s dumpster at the end of previous seasons was… well, accurate.
The Rat was Undead centric and themed, though it did have offerings appropriate for living guests. The number of health violations and infractions the establishment had collected was nearly on par with the number of available chairs. This, they had decided, was a minor detail guests did not need to be made aware of. The regulars knew what the place was about, and knew precisely what they were going to get from the chef and, until recently, owner: Sid.
At that very moment, Sidney Scapula was standing in the oily, greasy kitchen, watching several of the ‘mutton’ burgers cook. Sid was a mage, and had never sold an actual mutton burger. His lips peeled back in a grin, revealing long, yellowed, and rotted teeth. Business was getting better by the day, and what those darlings at his tables didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.
When the door to the kitchen swung open, Sid looked over his shoulder with a grunt. Dreadlynn was carrying in another tray of dishes and Sid’s attention immediately went to her low-cut dress, his grin growing larger. That he remembered to keep moving the burgers came entirely from years and years of working in his kitchen.
“How’s it looking?” Sid called, bony fingers raising to scratch at a scraggly patch of chest hair visible through his open shirt.
“There’s a line,” Dreadlynn answered, shaking her head of maroon hair before adding, “Styxi’s using all her arms.”
Sid let out a sleazy little laugh, slapping buns down on plates he deemed ‘clean enough’ and sliding the burgers onto them. His greasy teal hair was slicked back, and there was a sprig of mistletoe tucked behind his left ear. So far, his plan to get everyone to kiss him beneath the mistletoe hadn’t worked. So far.
Dreadlynn bustled over, heeled foot tapping as she leaned forward to move the plates onto a serving tray. Sid didn’t remember if the blood stain on that one had come from backroom prep, or it being used as a makeshift weapon. The chances were equally likely. Sid smacked his lips as Dreadlynn made for the door. She was a pretty thing. She and Batronella both – that’s why he’d hired them. And Styxi. And Neeb, who he was dating.
Leaning forward, Sid pulled another order down, and another, and another, and let out a loud groan. His back bent inwards as he stretched, skeletal fingers wagging as his shirt lifted up from his pants and over his stomach. He didn’t mind it being busy. Busy business was good business. But he would have preferred there being fewer living about, and if the Alliance members who kept showing up at the door could find another one to darken, his day would be better for it.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Neeb came flying through. The banshee looked as gorgeous as ever, but even Sid couldn’t quite miss how very loud the dining room was.
“There’s eight more orders,” Neeb breathed, handing the tickets directly to Sid, “where are they all coming from?”
Sid went to grab for Neeb’s hand, but the banshee was already floating away and this time Sid’s pout came with an almost petulant whine. Neeb paused and looked back, eyes flicking to the mistletoe tucked behind Sid’s ear. Neeb’s smile was sweet as he floated back towards Sid, long dark hair trailing just above the floor that would grant the tavern another three code violations should an inspector have walked in.
The banshee rested both hands against Sid’s chest before planting a kiss on his cheek. Sid’s grin was immediate, lips pulling far back as he ran a hand over his messy curls.
“Aw shucks, gone and kissed the chef!” Sid said, as if this had not been his intention all along, “better return the favour.”
Sid leaned forward, planting a big, smacking wet kiss on Neeb’s lips, holding his partner by the shoulders before giving him a wink nearly as gross as his smile. Neeb lingered a moment longer before zipping back out the door, and this time even Sid couldn’t continue to ignore the sheer volume of the noise coming from the dining room.
Slinking up to the double doors, Sid raised up on his toes to squint out and see the damage. Like Dreadlynn and Neeb had said, the place was absolutely packed. The line was to the door. Batronella was sashaying between tables and almost busy enough not to pause and flirt – almost. Styxi was, in fact, making what looked like three cocktails at once. Her arms were moving almost too quickly for Sid to keep up with.
The greasy old chef turned back towards his kitchen, tickets gripped in his hand. Nobody knew his kitchen like he did, and nobody could work it as quickly, or as well, as him. Shirt hanging open, and gut hanging out, Sid made his way back to the stove. Before getting back to work, he lifted a hand to scratch at his head, pulling a small beetle from his hair. Without a second thought, the Undead tossed it into his mouth and crunched down.
Snack acquired, Sid rubbed his hands against the front of his oil stained top and gave his counters a firm nod. Everyone out there had come to The Bloated Rat for a meal, and as he eyed an arm still dripping blood in the corner, he knew they’d all be in for a time they’d never forget.
The Cozy Cauldron 